In pain, I breathe

It sits there
As I close my eyes
Trying to forget...

In pain I breathe...

No birds, no mountains
No beauty, I like
It is all I remember
For the only thing with hope
Is pain, much higher
To look down and smile
With despair and grief
In pain, I breathe

It is also a learning
About the nature of Self
What a way to be reminded
This existence, a gift
To be honoured and cared
For it is only a few
In pain, I've grown

I thank god for the enlightenment
For the gift I received
I know it is difficult
To be aware and let go
All at the same time
But this awareness soothes pain
Creating a peaceful co-existence
As a part, a belonging
For it is my pain,
I breathe...

Relationship Holes

Sometimes in life, we go through life changing situations – some good, some bad. People say they make you mature. I would say they rob you of your innocence - bit by bit.

On my last trip back home, I went through one myself. I learnt about the sensitivity of relationships, of the permutations and combinations they engulf, of the highly volatile graph they follow, of their depth, of shallowness, of the fact that the more you dig deep, the shallow you get.

The nature of relationship is similar to mother earth. You can dig deeper and deeper only to find water at the end. Similarly, the beginning of any relationship is soft, where it is easy to dig, followed by a hard rocky surface where the relationship gets stronger. But when we penetrate the hard rocks, we reach a stage where all we can see is water.

If we let the water flow its own course, we survive. If we start to play with it, we risk the hard rocks and sand falling on us from above causing damage to the relationship, sometimes even death.

So what is my story? Well, my problem began when some of my relationships touched water & I started to play with it. The constant splashing didn’t do much good. This time when I went back to physically examine the situation myself, I saw that there were a few pebbles and sand blocking the smooth flow of water. So I tried to clean the way by throwing the sand and pebbles outside but the more I threw, the more came back. While some relationships had this problem, in some other old holes i.e. where the relationship had grown old, the walls had become weak and I could see some hairline cracks.

So, what is more dangerous – hairline cracks or sand falling from above?

I would say hairline cracks because the bigger they get, the more the risk of the entire wall collapsing on you. Sand and pebbles can still be sucked out.

From this short analogy, I learnt a lot. I learnt that everything in life, living or non-living needs maintenance. We should make sure that we take out some time from our busy schedules to take care of it. Servicing takes a day. Repair can take a lot more – days, months, years and some damages which are irreparable leave us with no option but to close them and look for a new one.

In my life, I have dug many relationship holes but forgot the simple fact that maintenance is key. I shall now have to go back and start with the very first one, checking & repairing as I go along. It is going to be one long journey, one that I started 3000 feet high, sitting on the window seat of a low cost airline, with 2 elderly people and a housefly sitting on my tray table, scared on that turbulent fight, patiently observing me write.

The weather conditions were bad and the pilot asked us to fasten our seat belts. I could see lightening in the clouds below me. What if I don’t survive? What if I never make it to the first relationship hole? What if I don’t get a chance to tell all those people that I left behind that I cared for them and am sorry for not staying in touch?

Just as I was thinking, the pilot announced a descent to Hyderabad. The weather had cleared with good visibility of 5 km. I observed the housefly as it started to walk across the tray table, preparing to take a flight as I started to close the table for landing. The old couple up from their short evening nap, the man helped his wife tie the seat belt, making sure she is comfortable. Such a sweet gesture - an act of maintenance I thought.

I landed safely and plan to start my journey soon. If you are a part of any of my relationship holes, please feel free to give me more such ideas on maintenance. Will keep you posted as I go on with my journey, might need some help throwing pebbles out.

Living it... one last time!

I think I have finally found an answer

To a question that I had posted long ago

A feeling such

That I don’t wanna write no more

A satisfaction that cannot be explained

My mind is empty

No more reasons or excuses

No questions unanswered

No need, no greed

No pain…

Pain, that I had started to love

What is left, is a feeling

An indication of the fact

That my soul feels complete

This completeness brings fear

A fear that only goes with pain

A loss I cannot bear

Souls are immortal

But mine shall die

A peaceful death

This shall be the last of me…

My first Love song with music :)

The band Agnee had composed a love song and they wanted someone to write the lyrics.. I did, but they didnt like them :(

Anyways, I had lots of fun doing it! Here they are..

You can get the song at http://www.mtvindia.com/agnee/ 

Hum hue

Itne kyon juda

Mil naa payein

Kho gaye tum is tarah

 

Hum hue

Itne kyon juda

Mil naa payein

Kho gaye tum is tarah..

 

Tumhe chahta hoon main

Na socha tha ye din aayega

Tum na ho yoon saath jo mere

Na mujhe manzoor

 

Tum kaho ki ab main kya karoon

Tumhare hi khwaab mein rahoon

Tumhe yadon mein dhoond ke mile

Is dil ko sukoon…

 

Hum hue

Itne kyon juda

Mil naa payein

Kho gaye tum is tarah..

 

Tum na ho to tanha hai ye mausam

Faasle jo bane, kyon hue na wo kam

Bas ab is dil mein hai yehi aramaa

Tum ho meri…hai mujhe yakeeen

Tumse hai sara jahaan

 

Hum hue

Itne kyon juda

Mil napayein

Kho gaye tum is tarah..

 

Tumhe chahta hoon main

Na socha tha ye din aayega

Tum na ho yoon saath jo mere

Na mujhe manzoor

 

Tum kaho ki ab main kya karoon

Tumhare hi khwaab mein rahoon

Tumhe yadon mein dhoond ke mile

Is dil ko sukoon…

 

Hum hue

Itne kyon juda

Mil napayein

Kho gaye tum is tarah... 

The Life Line

There is a certain line on our hand

That is an indicator of how long we live

I don’t know how far I have come

But of all I read, of all I saw

I have realized one thing

It’s not how much you live

But how you live the little you have with you

 

In my quest of living life the way it should be

I have ended up living for others… Alone

Living for myself is counted as selfish by many but few

But as they say, Life is like a book

And if you don’t explore, you only read a page

 

I have finished a page

And I like being there

Reading it again and again

With so much so far

I feel complete and empty at the same time

Full of emotions that have drained me out

Of love

Of grief

Of self belief

That now I don’t feel no pain

A part of me has left it all behind

A part of me left with it…

 

I am left in half

I need to collect myself

From places that touched me

From people who were a part

From the love I once felt

From the pain I still feel

To start afresh

On a new page

With a different colour this time

 

But again I ask myself

Am I running away… To be alone…?

Will I end up in the same way one more time?

I don’t know what the future holds for me

For all I know

It’s a new start… far far away

And this time

I will try not to look behind…

 

Rememberings in a drop

Rememberings in a drop

 

The 2 years at MDI….justified. Nimisha, one of my best friends at MDI composed this piece. Simply beautiful J

 

I sit by the window watching the rain,

Rain drops smoothly trickle down the glass

Travelling a journey...

I look closely..I see moments in them;

 They look bright in the water..reflect enraptured moments...

The cool breeze sprays cold water.. the images bring warmth..

 

I see faces from the top..they appear unfamiliar

I get curious..i see them closely.. they smile to me..

I become acquainted.. I like them..

They come closer... I delightfully look at them... those twinkly faces and eyes..

I live those moments..

Some are of unending talks; other of bashes together..

Some posing like statues...others in some intriguing activity..

They freeze.. I keep gazing...losing track of time..

I blink eyes;  and they start distancing..

 

They are moving fast..one drop cohering with the other..

 I try hard to look at them..

Just to say...hey stop!

 

The drops are now a stream..smoothly coursing down the glass..

As the stream bids goodbye..the sun shines..

A rainbow egresses

I see them all through colours...bright and shiny

 

The rain stops...

I close my eyes...and smile...

I will miss them..because I will remember ..

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Never ever did I know

That I will need it in real life

With just too much happening

Too fast

Too soon

The system had to hang

And that’s how I spent the last night of last year

I desperately needed a ctrl+alt+del

So did I use it?

Yes

The good thing is

You don’t lose everything to start again

That even after you end a few tasks

Which were not responding

There shall always be some

Which are running Successfully

With those you can proceed

To find yourself back in the program

One more time

So how do I see to it that the system doesn’t hang again

Well, I have emptied the recycle bin

Deleted cookies

Archived files

So on and so forth

The problem is

My mind has given up on me

And so has the heart

I think I need to run Nero or something

You never know

There might be a virus …